Some thoughts that I’ve been ruminating on… I feel a little blocked as a writer these days. Maybe overwhelmed by my own feels. Or just focused on the people and wonder in my life. I feel good. I feel blessed. I feel like I am moving forward. I feel ramble-ish. I feel ready.
I’ve been a little quiet over here for a bit. Not writing. Not really posting on FB or Twitter as much. I’ve been running a lot. I’ve been going to church. I’ve been spending time with new and old friends. And with my baby boys. I feel like I’ve been taking time to really feed my mind, body and soul. And sometimes when I do this, much like a year ago when I got the “c-word” news, I sort of curl into myself, unable to find the words to really explain the metamorphosis taking place. It’s hard to find the energy to share outward when the inward work is so all-consuming. But to be clear, the work is not all sad, heartbroken and jagged; I have so much joy right now and that’s the kicker. I find myself wrestling a lot with “should” at the moment: I should be more broken. I should be a mess. I think this is a reflection of what I assume other people are whispering when I am out of earshot: “is she REALLY that ok?” “oh, she’ll fall apart” or “wow, she must have some serious walls up.”
It’s interesting when you have shame about not feeling enough shame. Not that it’s anyone’s business really, but the answer is that my overwhelming feeling today is relief. I will always care about the father of my children, but in all honesty I am also relieved that we made the decision we did. There is an elephant-sized weight removed from my shoulders and an open world of possibility in front of me; it’s terrifying and exhilarating and most welcome.
And if I am really, brutally honest, I am hiding from the internet. Remember when I said my heart was broken wide open? When I was holding space and just really feeling all the feels for other people? There’s a part of me that’s like, actually nope I changed my mind. World too scary, too much to hold space for. Closed for business. I know: like it’s a choice. School shootings, children with cancer, bigotry, the environment, politicians spewing hatred and society eating it up… it’s a lot for an open heart to take. And bless those of you who are out there taking it on day by day. How do we fight these big battles when the little battles of everyday are so loud (like children putting on their shoes in the morning, all the mornings, a feat great enough to make a grown woman cry)? It’s overwhelming, especially for those of us who are especially feelings-y. Which thing to latch on to? Which thing to fix first? Which is why my instinct is always to turn inward, to me. But.
Warning: about to get into some God-talk. No apology, but I know it’s a sensitive arena for folks.
Lately, I have also been turning upward. To God. To faith. I am moving more deeply and purely to a place where I freely admit that I do not know it all and that there are mysteries in this world that have no other explanation than the beautiful work of God. I am finally comfortable with the notion that I need to have faith in something greater than myself to make it through; faith in a place beyond, where this all makes sense, while trusting and finally listening to the small, still voice that’s been there all along. I would not have been able to walk this walk of the last year alone; run all the miles I have alone; weather all the storms that have (literally and figuratively) come my way, alone. And I am very certain that I have not in fact, been alone. There are many things in this world that I find unfair, hurtful and make me shout WHY, but what dulls the hurt just ever so slightly is giving up the control, giving up my incessant need to be in the driver seat and breathe into my faith. Just leaning on it and allowing myself to be caught when I fall. And knowing that God too is heartbroken for us, more than we can ever know.
What a radical shift indeed. I don’t feel the floodgates of great writing opening, but I feel my heart and soul open, which is really something. I am proud of myself. I am ready.