I just found this (below) in my drafts. I started writing it in the midst and chaos of the run-up to Christmas: that not-so-magical time when the presents weren’t wrapped, the sweets not baked, work not yet done for 2 further weeks, carols not sung, and downtime on couches drinking bloody marys certainly not spent. It’s interesting to look back just a couple of weeks and go “Oh, ha, totally weathered THAT. I had it in the bag all along, what was I so worried about?” But it’s these little snapshots that keep me writing; the temperature reads of the good days and bad are so powerful to look back at. Each a little misshapen stepping stone on my path forward. I can hear the stress and worry in my writing- the jazzed up tone I get when I am losing control but digging in my heels with all I’ve got– I can hear the buzz. Take a look.
December 9, 2015
First of all, I haven’t written a damn blog post in long enough that the actual format of WordPress’s blog writing tool has changed. Like, I wasn’t sure what to click on. So, there’s that. I just. Sometimes. Ok. I have the words and they’re all in up in here and messy and loud but I can’t really bring myself to put them out in the world yet. Cause of all of the judging. And also, Donald Trump. Can we just agree to blame all the totally nuts shit on him? Like, who IS this guy and can we unpack his childhood a bit? Whoever bullied him, please apologize so we can all go back to real life. I digress.
Gah, it’s almost Christmas. And the holidays are so hard. Especially hard when you’ve had the year we’ve had. Anyone else feeling me on this? Anyone else just a little befuddled at how you got where you are, though beautiful and RIGHT the scenery may be? These days, I am constantly “checking” myself to see if what I am about to say/publish/blurt is just a little too wacky or out there. Or just a little too feelings-y, even for me. Which is likely why you haven’t heard from me. Couldn’t possibly be the full time job, single mom-gig, mortgage, PTA board, new relationship… ahem. I do a lot. And I am passionate about even more. I also spent this evening in sparkly reindeer antlers, making small children sort of smile in Santa pictures and mostly giving the Administrative staff at the Primary School so. much. fodder. for laughter over tomorrow morning’s coffee and security-tape-of-the-lobby reviews. Yup.
The truth is that these days I am alternately flying high with happiness, soaring with my new-found love; the utter beauty of my babies and their eyelashes, long legs and wicked little grins; or the gorgeous prose of another strong woman willing me to rise, rise, rise– and then, bam! I am tumbling into a hole of dark, sharpish bits, where really I just want jammies and chocolate and an ugly cry is imminent and I am very sure he’s going to realize that I am actually a little nutso and “wow, back away slowly dude.” But then he says all the absolute right things and I am left with no ammo against myself, which is sort of annoying, if you ask me.
I made the grandiose assumption that healing was linear. I thought that every day I would feel a little better than the day before. Until eventually I met a unicorn and we glitter-glued ornaments together. Certainly. Instead, healing is like an upside-down roller coaster that I only went on to appease my friend, but totally is making me want to barf while I scream/laugh with delight. Messy. Wacky.
And then throw in the holidays and you have got yourself one zinger of a powder keg. A non-linear powder keg. I’m up. I’m down. I’m twirling toward the fun house. And just when I think my stomach can’t drop any further? We ease back into the straight and narrow and I am once again able to delight in glitter beards and stockings hung with care.
I think it boils down to this. I have had way too many run-ins with assholes lately. Cancer is an asshole. Divorce is an asshole. Trump is an asshole. But. BUT. Always the damn but.
This: God just really gets in there, doesn’t He?
I believe, actually, really truly believe, that the best is yet to come. See, in my darkest moment, I turned to church and a power greater than myself. Incidentally (not really) this was also when I was able to open myself to a new relationship. I realized that in fact I am not in control of all the things and I had to recuse myself from being general manager of the universe (paraphrasing Pastor Greg Surratt, thank you). I had to realize that service, connection with other humans and opening myself up to love– both heavenly and earthly– were what actually made sense to me. I could choose to wallow in the crap or I could give this all to God and move the fuck on. Life is indeed too short and I do believe that our Creator has a lot in store for me that doesn’t allow me to sit in solitude, silence, pain or heartbreak. Again, annoying, in His perfection.
So in this most sacred season– this season of anticipation– I am trying to just ride the coaster. To know that the smooth, linear parts will come, even when I am hanging upside-down screaming. I’m going to decorate the cookies, sing the carols, look deeply into my loved ones’ eyes, welcome abundant joy and find the places to express gratitude. I just am.
And let me tell you friends, we so did. WE SO DID. My best people were around me and I felt loved. Kid love, family love, boyfriend love, friend love, pet love, ALL THE LOVES. And Star Wars. Cause Han Solo and Chewie = <3.