Go fuck yourself.
Yes, that’s right. Go. Now. Buh-bye.
So, fine, I am a silver linings kinda gal and can usually pull something out of the general shit show that is my life… but.
Honestly? I kinda can’t lately. It’s one thing after another.
Hey there, it’s me, pity party table for ONE. Just ONE. Cause it’s JUST ME dealing with all the shit.
Have I mentioned I have a penchant for drama? A small flair.
I’m not going to drive off a bridge or run away to a remote and unreachable island or finally crawl into the bunker I’ve been digging under the backyard (kidding, mostly) and eschew daylight and wi-fi for the next 4 years.
At least, probably not.
I did however recuse myself from Facebook until the New Year and dammmmmmn that feels good. (K, except, I don’t know when anyone’s birthday is nor will I make it to any events until January cause I won’t be reminded, but it’s AWESOME otherwise.)
But like, what the ACTUAL fuck 2016?
We’ve lost numerous artists, gained a misogynistic, narcissistic, Cheeto faced leader of the free world– oh and I got a divorce, spent time with and broke up with two man-friends rather dramatically each time, and by the way gained a few pounds that no one can explain except maybe my birth control pill or just, you know, age.
I found out today that a wonderful, talented, creative father of two passed away with no warning at the age of 42. I know other 42 year olds who are self-centered creeps who abuse their bodies on the regular and are going stronger than ever… What the actual.
And what about those babies. Those sweet babies and their daddy.
Disclaimer: I don’t want those 42 year olds to perish. I don’t. Just maybe we could make a small trade for their souls. Kidding. Mostly.
This week alone…
We’ve watched the mistrial of Walter Scott’s murderer (how there’s actually a question in anyone’s mind I don’t know. I pray that there’s something we don’t know. Pray.)
We’ve heard heart-wrenching testimony from witnesses at Mother Emanuel. I have a new and dear friend who lost a sister there… I sent him a text bathing his family in love and light and we’re sharing a meal soon, but just… just.
My heart for their hearts.
So much of this year has been about unfathomable loss.
I want to find the light.
I want to find a body in the dark that matches mine and doesn’t shy away when our reluctant hearts begin to meld.
I want a partner who doesn’t clip my wings but let’s them unfurl.
I want to parent my boys with fierceness and love and wells of patience.
I want my boys to have a male role model worthy of their sweetness and devotion.
I want the world to be a safe place for all. Full stop. No negotiation.
I want to pause before I react.
I want to understand you and the ways I have hurt, belittled or made you feel less than.
I want to know where I can meet you that will feel safe for you.
I want to let the Divine into the spaces that feel cracked. Golden repair for sacred hurts.
I did a lot of great things this year– I traveled, I wrote, I danced, I sang, I loved.
But I lost.
There’s a new day, a new morning just around the bend.
I feel like a toddler learning to walk. Top heavy and timid. But upright.
There you go friends, she found it. She found the silver lining.