So I just watched my party nominate the first woman presidential candidate and I got some chills. I had feels y’all. My favorite was hearing the Puerto Rico delegation use the term Presidenta. Somehow hearing the term with the Spanish “a” at the end made it feel really real for me; you don’t hear that very often, or ever before? (Clearly, I need a fact checker.)

But.

Why do I feel so ick? Why do I feel like I need to like justify my joy at this? Why do I wish it wasn’t Her?

I have the shirt. I voted for her in the primary. I’ve donated to the campaign. I ordered my Official Woman Card and love it. I’ve hash-tagged. I went to see her last summer when she was in Charleston because I wanted that piece of HERstory.

I am a strong woman. I work really hard to be a role model for other women on my team. I am proud to have a woman boss, a “Lady” CFO at our company (still chuckling at that one, Google it), and to call out time and again my priorities as a working single mom. I believe that balance is not a real thing, but working it out is and we, as female leaders, have a responsibility to champion that for those coming up behind us.

My birth announcement said “It’s a Person!” for fuck’s sake.

I recently started watching Game of Thrones, simultaneously joining the 21st century and figuring out pop-culture at long last (for now, I can only maintain my cool for so long). My favorite character by far, after one season, is Khaleesi with her bad-assery and heart eating and fire walking. I fucking love her. Game of Thrones though is CRAZY, yet… I actually just texted the man-friend that “GoT actually feels more legit than this shit right now.” At least they’re open about their awfulness. It’s not cloaked in email scandals or threatened by a sociopath who might get the codes to nuclear weapons. They only have swords  and javelin’s for fuck’s sake.

I want this victory to feel clean– and all over the place, at every turn, it feels like, meh, we’ve sort of got this. I want to feel like I can SHOUT IT from the rooftops that a WOMAN won the Presidency by sheer hard work, brains, experience and grit. I don’t want this to feel like a dirty fight. I don’t want anyone to be able to say, “well yeah SHE ONLY won because _____.” I want them to say “She WON” and mean it.

Maybe I am too idealistic and really, maybe we should all just watch GoT or House of Cards to truly understand our political system. Maybe I should give up that little dream of mine.

But I don’t want to. I want it fixed. I want a better system for us, for my kids, for all of our girls. Unfortunately, some part of me feels apathy or maybe the sheer exhaustion of trying to navigate this. It’s only July y’all. We have til November.

We have til November to vote our hearts and our conscience. Make no mistake, Hillary Clinton has my vote. The alternative is too terrifying.

I just wish I could shout it and feel 100% WITH HER.