Pardon me while I engage in a little stream of consciousness this evening. I’ve been out of town and off of writing and then I needed to write so badly my head kind of exploded for a minute, so here I am furiously typing, brain faster than fingers, and not entirely sure what to say. These are the ramblings of a me at the end of a few days where I’ve been caught by so many pleasant surprises. I mean, I think I knew what was coming… but I didn’t, til we were right there. Right here.
To everything, there actually is a season. And sometimes you love it and sometimes you fucking hate it. And sometimes that little sucker just takes you by so much surprise.
Last summer, I was the Fun Fascist. We HAD FUN at ALL COSTS cause dammit your Dad had moved out, and I was calling the shots and we WOULD HAVE ALL THE FUN!
This summer, I feel less like this. I feel more like I personally want to have all the fun and make sure you just get some of the goodness of your mama. The goodness I can offer as I wallow through the final threads of a marriage; one chapter closing. Another opening. The anticipatory relief of reclaiming my original name– getting back to the me I was before there was a we and we were 4, then 3. That me of so long ago. I wouldn’t go fully back to her, but I’d like to get just a little glimmer of that fierce adventurous girl again.
I’ve seen her a few times lately. In saying yes to getting to know a new man-friend (he’d like you to know he has a job and really nice teeth. Both true.). In saying yes to theater. In saying yes to writing. In saying yes to the real me buried beneath all the mommy STUFF that came with tiny babies– as I creep my way back out into the world. As the world keeps saying “yes, you I see you. I get you. I feel you girl. Do you and we’ve got this.”
This summer, we will do fun things and long sandy days at the beach. We’ll eat pizza in our underwear and chase lizards at twilight.
But I will also do me. I will spend lazy afternoons with Netflix and said man-friend. I will go to Vegas with my best girls. I will write and write until it all breaks free. See, I did an audacious thing. I asked for some big time off from work. I asked, and I received. I have the next 6 weeks to just BE.
And I could not be more pleased, terrified, excited and ready.