My goodness. It has been absolutely forever. I don’t know why sometimes I write and write and write… and other times, I just can’t quite get there. Here. The last few months have flown by in an absolute blur of life. We bought our first house. I ran my first 5k (and then another). Little One– you had pneumonia. Big One– I registered you for kindergarten.
I want to tell you all the things. But mainly, really, I want to tell you that tonight… I feel like a good Mommy. Which, even though I look freaking awesome on paper, most of the time, I just feel like I am not enough. Or I am too much. But either way, not quite there with the Mommy thing. We’ve spent the last two days together; beach day (playing hooky, fun!) and museum day today. I watched you get knocked down by waves and laugh and laugh. And exclaim with excitement when you made it “rain” at the museum. I know I see you every day. But sometimes, I don’t actually, see you. I move you through the motions of what needs to get done and smile (or not) and just grin and bear it. I am, most likely, being too hard on myself, but most days just feel like I am wound so tightly I could burst. And sometimes I do. Burst.
So I am really going to try to get better at this whole writing thing again. Because when I write, like when I run and dance, I am able to breathe a little more freely. It’s like when I haven’t done yoga for a long time and then I do again and I am like “ohhh right! There are my lungs!” It’s that. Only– you two. There you are.
Right now, you are both blissfully tucked in your beds… it’s quiet in our house and from where I sit, I can almost hear your baby snores.
I am, actually, too hard on myself, and I so hope you do not inherit this (you probably already did)… but I want to say THANK YOU for letting me grow and change and work constantly to become who I need to be. ❤