So after all of the words I DID have about cancer and it’s gumption and how just angry I felt… I now seem to have absolutely no words. I am back at work, and you’re back at school and we had a great last week of the holiday break despite cancer and flu… but there’s a quiet wall that I can’t seem to break through.
Here’s the problem- I am a do-er, a help-er, a swoop-in-and-make-it-better-er (it’s a word, stay with me)… but that’s when it’s someone else. I keep going back to the ME part of all this and being super surprised that the gal we’re talking about with the cancer that was cut out of her neck… was me. And at the same time feeling like, gah, there’s not even really a thing happening. It’s done and gone and I am running and dancing and smiling and working and doing socially appropriate things. So what’s that silent little dark brooding kernel of “meh” sitting underneath my heart? It’s Cancer. And he’s an asshole.
It’s only been a few weeks. I must remind myself that I would tell you, my babies, or a friend or your Papa– “be kind to yourself, it’s only been a few weeks, you can’t expect this to just be fine after so little time; the doctor said ‘cancer’.”
While I seem to have no words, what I do have is the desire to run. To run and run and just be out there pushing this body of mine further and further. Running and I were not always pals, but about a year ago I finally committed to really doing a 5k. So I did one, the day before Mother’s Day. And it hurt and sucked and I wanted to barf… but I did it. And when I was done, I thought, “I want more.” So this past year I’ve become a runner. And it still hurts and mostly sucks, but the thing is, is that the movement and pushing through the pain, really feeling my body, knowing how to nourish it, knowing when to push it and when to say I am done; it’s all basic. Visceral. And I don’t have to talk.
My brain has no words, so I am letting my body take over and do the work. The words will come back. Until then it’s short sentences. I’m ok. We’re so lucky. Yup, dodged a bullet. Totally the “easy” cancer. Great to be back. Yes. Ok.